Skydiving Babies

I started this wee blog off as a sort of chronicle of all the happenings that happen before, during and – maybe – after a pregnancy, but I figure I should probably try and dispense some advice in these entries as well. Not that I have any great advice to give or anything, but maybe for first time parents, like myself, it’d be good to know that you’ll likely go through much the same stuff as I’m going through. At least the man’s side of the whole shebang.

Because let’s face it; the man is the most important person in this pregnancy after all.

That is, of course, a joke.

You’ll automatically become the last person on the list you’ll be worrying about behind wife/partner and child. Which is ok. In fact, it’s exactly where you should be. And if you can’t handle that, I suggest you man up. You got us into this mess, what with your dirty man sperm and all, so you damn well better pick up the slack whenever your wife/partner isn’t able to do all the things she did before. And then some.

Because when your wife gets pregnant [I’m going to just use ‘wife’ because I’m a married man and mainly because I can’t be bothered typing ‘wife/partner’ every time] the tendency is to break the news by saying ‘we’re having a baby’ or ‘we’re pregnant.’ Which in reality is complete bollocks. You may both have a child in 9 months but the only person ‘having a baby’ is your wife. Men can literally do nothing until the child is born, which would make you a horrible person, but the fact is that only person completely involved in growing a human being inside their stomach is your wife. It’s your job to make those 9 months run as smoothly as humanly possible for her; to nod at the right times, to comfort when needed, to drive anywhere and everywhere on request and go get whatever she’s craving no matter what time it is, day or night.

Now I’m not pretending I’m great at all or even any of these things. I’m as new to this baby/parenting thing as it comes, but I’m trying my damnedest to be and do the best I can be and can do. Some of these points will obviously come off as ‘well, duh’ pieces of advice, but as I’ve noticed sometimes even the most basic common sense falls by the wayside in the run up to impending birth…

1.      Be attentive.

Basically, be there for your partner throughout the entire time. Obviously, provided you’re not a complete asshole, you will be, but just make sure you’re never too far away should they urgently need anything. In this age of mobiles it’s never been easier to stay in contact. Be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice for your wife.

2.      …but not too attentive. 

Yes, she may be pregnant. She is not, however, helpless. Don’t wrap her up in bubble wrap and guard her 24/7. She’s still a person, not a fragile container, so don’t treat her like one. Hopefully she’s wise enough to know her own body and knows how much she’s able to do and what she can’t do. And if/when she can’t do something, that’s where you step in.

3.      Carry on as normal, as much as possible.

You’re having a baby and that’s great. It’ll change your life. I’ve no doubt it’ll dramatically change mine. However, until then you’ve got nine months to keep having your own lives. Naturally the bump will change a few things in your social lives, but don’t just stop doing everything and go into full on baby mode. Do the things you would normally have done and fit the baby stuff around it. Although if you were an avid skydiver before, I’d recommend giving that up.

4.      Be sympathetic

Now that my good lady wife is expecting and can’t drink or smoke (not that she did either anyway) I can’t in good conscience continue doing the same. Although I’ve never smoked I do enjoy the odd drink, for me to suddenly rejoice that I now have a designated driver for the next few months wouldn’t be the nicest thing to do. Your wife is being forced to sacrifice some things – including her body - because of the coming child (even if she never partook in the first place), you should too.

5.      Don’t do too much internetting

Seriously. The internet is great for a multitude of things. What it’s not good for is calming you down during a pregnancy. If your wife has an ache or pain or is feeling unwell, don’t go online to diagnose her. You come out the other side convinced she has somehow contracted The Black Death or leprosy or something. And don’t let her do it too much either. Again most of the symptoms and sicknesses during pregnancy are just the norm and will sort themselves out. If it’s something that looks like it might be more serious, go to your doctor. They’ll know more about it than Barbara, 32, from Stoke who had a really bad experience once and has been terrifying everyone since.

6.      Do read the baby books

If they give you one, which I think they have to, read the book the hospital gives you. It covers all the basics, it’s written in plain English and you’ll understand everything in it. Trust me, if I could make sense of it, you can. There are plenty of other books available of course which cover things in way more detail as well as very specific topics (we have What To Expect When You’re Expecting in the house, which is grand but it’s about the size of an Argos catalogue, and twice as confusing) but the one you get from your maternity unit contains everything you’ll need to know without insulting your intelligence – “Don’t pick the baby up by it’s ears” for example.

7.      Be a team, against the world

When you tell people you’re pregnant the battering ram of advice starts. Advice is great and all and I welcome it, but don’t let anyone convince you that what you want to do is wrong somehow. Unless it’s a proper mental idea. You should probably listen to them then. But it’s your baby and you should be allowed to do what you want with him/her. Within reason, obviously.  And as great as advice from grandparents, friends and total strangers is (because believe me, you will get it whether you want it or not) don’t let anyone tell you how to raise your child, what to name your child, what colour the child’s nursery should be, what buggy you should buy etc. Oh, and people guessing the sex can fuck right off.

8.      Be enthusiastic about baby stuff

This is one I have trouble with. Not because I don’t care, but because I’m stupid, especially when it comes to baby stuff. My wife somehow has a working knowledge of most of the paraphernalia involved whereas I have none. I’m literally coming into this cold. And while I don’t want to leave every decision up to my wife, when it’s comes to the features of buggies or car seats I just don’t know enough to give an informed opinion. As long as I can wheel it around comfortably or fit it easily enough, I’m happy. But since my wife will be the one doing most of the baby-looking-after while on maternity leave, as long as it works as smoothly as possible for her, I can make it work for me.

9.      Communicate

This is another one I have problems with. I’m not exactly the most talkative of folks, despite what the blog might suggest and I just tend to just go with the flow and agree with whatever my wife suggests [interesting sidenote: my wife told me that were it not for my previous blog entry about baby names, she’d never have known how I felt about the naming of our future child. Which was simultaneously funny and made me feel bad]. I mean, I’ll disagree if I strongly feel the opposite but more often than not, I’ll agree with her because we have fairly similar opinions on this whole baby adventure. But I have had to, and you’ll have to as well, open up a bit more and get into the nitty gritty when it comes to your newborn; you’ll have to ask and answer a multitude of questions and you’ll have a better chance of understanding it all if you communicate with each other. In my case, it’s usually asking my wife ‘what does this word mean?’ It’s almost always something horrible.

10.  Try to enjoy it

This is the most important one. It shouldn’t be a time of worrying and fear, and although there is that aspect to it, it should also be a joyous occasion. You’re having a baby. That’s fricking awesome. That’s really the overriding emotion I’ve had all throughout these past few months. Yes, sometimes the terror of the impending situation hits me a smack in the face, but the thought of a little bambino running about the places smacks it right back. Enjoy the scans, the kicks, your wife’s belly getting massive. Talk to the bump, silly as it seems. Sing to it if you like. I’ve rubbed my wife’s belly more times in the past week than I’ve rubbed my own in my whole life. It’s a special time. Enjoy it as much as you can. I’m planning to. 

Right, that’s enough advice for now.