"Dildo cam. Dildo cam. Dildo cam!"

So we had the little scan the other day.

Not the one that you see all the time on TV and in movies. That comes later, so I’m told. No, we had a ridiculously early scan because we’re new to this whole thing, and aren’t totally convinced by the pee stick test.  

So we go to the hospital and Jenny gets the goo splodged on her belly that gets squidged around with the thingummydoodle (can you tell I don’t know much about these things?) and I see the familiar black and grey thing you see in these types of scenarios. Only I can’t see anything on the screen. At all. We’re informed that this is normal at such an early stage, and that there’s another test to try but it’s an internal one.

I fully expect to have to leave the room while this is happening because in some of the other tests we’ve done I’ve been asked to. Not here. I go behind a curtain for a while as Jenny gets undressed (odd, considering what’s about to happen). When everyone’s ready the nurse whips out a massive phallic thing that has a name but I’ll be damned if I can remember what it is as all that’s running through my head is ‘dildo cam, dildo cam, dildo cam!’

So while Jenny is lying on the bed, legs splayed in preparation, the nurse puts a condom on the dildo cam and starts to lube it up. This is the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in. And probably the closest I’m ever going to get to a threesome. It’d probably be quite similar as well; two girls doing their thing while I sit awkwardly off to the side, unsure of what to do.

And then all of a sudden she slips the camera in, wiggles it about a bit and shows us where our little spud is on the screen. Again, I have to take her word for it because I have no idea what I’m looking at.

But if I’m being honest I had a brief moment when she talked about a heartbeat. A heartbeat. A little human that we made. I mean, that’s phenomenal. I had a little inward cry and I think my face crumpled for a split second before I managed to stop myself.

God knows what I’ll be like at the 12 week scan. 

Gurning on the floor most likely.