"Pregnancy boner."

I’ve noticed an unusual side effect to my wife being pregnant. Not to her, but to me. You see, I’ve recently found myself becoming strangely attracted to pregnant women.

Now, admittedly, that sounds a bit weird and creepy. And if I’d said that whenever I was a single bachelor I think it probably would have been, but since my own lovely lady has been with child I’ve experienced so much and become accustomed to her body, complete with bump. As I said in a previous blog, if you ever get the chance to see a pregnant woman naked, you should savour the opportunity. [FYI, I don’t mean look in the bedroom window of your pregnant neighbour. Try to keep your perving to the woman you yourself have impregnated]. Because, as I also think I said, she will never look more womanly than when she’s carrying your child. I mean, yes, of course there are days where she just about resembles a human being; bedraggled, with unkempt hair and with no desire to do anything beyond sit on the sofa in baggy clothes because she’s so unbelievably exhausted, as is the norm throughout pregnancy, but then there are the other days. You know the way people say that pregnant women have a glow to them? Well, it’s absolutely true. And it’s glorious. Remember that famous Vanity Fair cover with the pregnant Demi Moore on the cover, which you never really gave a second thought to? Well, if you look at it when your missus is pregnant it’ll probably give you a pregnancy boner.

BRB.

I guarantee you that you will never be more attracted to partner than on those days. And you get to see each and every one of them.

Only it’s not just your own partner that you’ll see during those nine months. Before too long you’ll have appointments and classes and workshops to attend, each filled with couples in similar stages of pregnancy to you. We were at an active birth workshop the other night and I swear I thought every single one of the women there were gorgeous.

I didn’t tell my wife this.

I still haven’t actually.

But, and I’m trying to put this in the nicest possible way, were these women not pregnant I don’t think I would have thought the same. Now before you go all ‘every woman is beautiful in their own way, it’s not all about looks, you MASSIVE SEXIST,’ a sentiment I agree with actually (the first bit, not the MASSIVE SEXIST bit) let’s just go with they weren’t all what I would normally find attractive. But bloody hell, with a bump attached they became positively the most desirable women on the planet. There were that many of them in the one place, the room itself was almost glowing. I think the only thing that tempered my boner was the fact that the midwife was talking about vaginas.

And nobody finds them attractive.

Is this odd? Do I some sort of weird fetish? On paper the things that happen to a woman’s body during pregnancy are almost a catalogue of things that are traditionally unattractive, at least in our looks obsessed culture; the belly gets bigger, she gains weight, parts of her swell up on occasion. I mean, I still find regular, not-pregnant women attractive, but jeez, right now a pregnant woman makes me feel a bit weak at the knees. It has to be the womanly aspect of it. Maybe it’s only now since my wife has become pregnant that I’ve viewed her as a woman. I know that sounds stupid, but I still think of us (me, specifically) as the same people we were when we met (aged 21) as opposed to now (a kick in the arse away from 30), but this is like a transition period and my beautiful wife is becoming a woman before my very eyes.

And she’s fucking HOT.

As are all the other pregnant women.

I hope it’s not just me. This is bound to happen to every expectant father I reckon. And if not, I’ll be over here typing in ‘pregnant women’ into a Google Image Search.