I'm going to get a sign

I’m going to get a sign. It’s going to have about 4 statements on it that whenever anyone in work comes up to ask my about the impending birth, I’m just going to Wil E Coyote them, say nothing and raise my sign.

1. No, baby’s not here yet.
2. Jenny’s doing fine.
3. It’s just a matter of waiting now.
4. A wee bit nervous, yes.

Now, before you think I’m just being my usual dickish self – and I partly agree, I am – I get asked these questions every single day. By the same four people. I don’t mind them once or twice in a week, but five days a week, without fail is beginning to grate. 

Like this, but with "Eff aff!" on the sign.

I’ll address the points head on by giving the answers I’d actually love to give…

1. If the baby had been born between you asking me yesterday and now, do you think I’d still be in work?
2. No, she’s actually got terrible aches and pains, and is increasingly tired as she’s not getting much sleep.
3. Well, I tried shouting at the baby to come out of Jenny’s belly, but nothing happened so I guess we’ll just have to keep waiting. Bloody babies, eh? Not arriving when you want them to.
4. Of course I’m fucking nervous. What do you think?

Sometimes I hate people.